Values › Skill › Emotional intelligence
Core value · Skill family
Emotional intelligence
Reading and handling emotions well
Also covers Feelings
What does emotional intelligence mean as a core value?
Emotional intelligence as a core value means noticing feelings, your own and other people’s, and using what you notice to respond thoughtfully in the moment.
You read the room before you read the agenda. Holding emotional intelligence as a core value means treating feelings as information, and believing that ignoring them leads to poor decisions and damaged relationships. You notice the flicker of irritation, the silence that means disagreement, the tiredness behind a sharp reply. Just as important, you pay attention to your own reactions and try not to let them drive. When someone is upset, your first move is to understand why.
What does emotional intelligence look like in practice?
- You pause before replying to an email that made you angry.
- You notice when a teenager’s “I’m fine” means the opposite, and choose your moment to ask.
- You name the tension in a meeting, gently, so it can be dealt with.
- You adjust how you give feedback depending on who’s receiving it.
- You tell someone what you’re feeling without blaming them for it.
When is emotional intelligence overplayed?
Being tuned in to everyone’s feelings can become exhausting and, at times, manipulative. You spend so long managing the mood that the hard conversation never happens, take responsibility for emotions that aren’t yours, or use your read of people to steer them. Others can end up feeling analysed. Held well, it uses what you notice to be honest and fair. When you feel the urge to smooth things over, it can help to ask: whose feeling is this, and is it mine to fix?
Often confused with
Emotional intelligence vs Empathy
Empathy is feeling with someone. Emotional intelligence includes that, but also means managing your own emotions and using what you notice to handle situations well.
Emotional intelligence vs Intelligence
Intelligence is understanding ideas quickly and deeply. Emotional intelligence is understanding people and feelings, including your own, and the two don’t always come together.
Emotional intelligence vs Compassion
Compassion is the wish to ease someone’s suffering. Emotional intelligence is the skill of reading what’s going on emotionally, which can be put to many uses, not only kind ones.
Questions to sit with
- Which emotion of your own do you find hardest to notice until it’s already driving you?
- Whose feelings are you currently managing that aren’t yours to manage?
- When did reading a room well lead you to avoid a conversation that needed to happen?
More values in Skill
Competence, intelligence and doing things well.
About the author
Matt Rutherford is a Career and Leadership Coach. The Values Finder is the same exercise he uses with his coaching clients. He also writes Stuff that MattRs, a weekly newsletter with practical ideas to help you think clearer and work better.
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