Core value · Love family
Intimacy
Being truly known by someone
Also covers Romance
What does intimacy mean as a core value?
Intimacy as a core value means wanting a few close relationships where you are deeply known, where you share your inner life openly and the other person does the same.
Plenty of people have full social lives and still feel unknown. If intimacy is one of your values, that gap matters a great deal to you. You want a few relationships, romantic or otherwise, where you can say the thing you haven’t told anyone, and where the other person does the same. Small talk can feel like a waiting room. Romance often matters too. The deeper pull is towards being seen as you are and loved anyway.
What does intimacy look like in practice?
- You steer conversations with close friends past the news and towards how people are really doing.
- You share your fears and doubts with your partner as well as your plans.
- You set aside time without phones or distractions to talk properly with someone close.
- You remember the small, private things people tell you and ask about them later.
- You feel restless in relationships that stay pleasant but never go deeper.
When is intimacy overplayed?
The need for closeness can turn into pressure. You expect people to open up faster than they’re ready to, feel hurt by those who are naturally more private, or share too much too soon at work and leave colleagues uncomfortable. A partner can feel that nothing is allowed to stay theirs alone. Healthy intimacy grows at the pace of trust, and a little privacy often protects closeness. It might help to let the other person set the depth of your next conversation, and see what they choose to share.
Often confused with
Intimacy vs Love
Love is deep care and affection. Intimacy is closeness of knowing: you can love someone for decades without ever letting them see who you really are.
Intimacy vs Connection
Connection is a sense of being linked to others, and it can be light and wide. Intimacy is narrow and deep: a few people who know your inner life.
Intimacy vs Authenticity
Authenticity is being yourself in the world. Intimacy is letting a particular person see that self, including the parts you usually keep back.
Questions to sit with
- Who in your life knows the version of you that others don’t see?
- What are you still holding back from the person closest to you, and what are you protecting?
- What do you do when someone you care about wants less closeness than you do?
More values in Love
Deep feeling and close relationships.
About the author
Matt Rutherford is a Career and Leadership Coach. The Values Finder is the same exercise he uses with his coaching clients. He also writes Stuff that MattRs, a weekly newsletter with practical ideas to help you think clearer and work better.
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